Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It may be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we are making them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully from place. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A three-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")

Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But Sure, positive, let us have One more position in which American Guys can have on robes and connect with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer you Everybody a suite to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

According to documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly tender ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he ought to end applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You already know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great men and women. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head visible from Area, a feature currently being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, labeled.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.

"It is really not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Functions

Probably the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium where attendees may well contemplate imprecise disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local weather Manage established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested Trump Tower Damascus twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They can Appear"

The ad campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."

A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it would stabilize the region"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% reported "in which's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"

Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"

The challenge is already attracting awareness from international investors, together with:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll invest in a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage will likely consist of:

A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War

Remark Area Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to hold out to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a resort where my PTSD may have convert-down service."

A different post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews recommend:

China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Remaining Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

Blog